Meat The Press

Now that ABC's "This Week With George Stephanopoulos" beat NBC's "Meet The Press" in the ratings for Aug. 2 (in both total viewers and viewers aged 25-54), I'm wondering how NBC is going to fudge the numbers to make sure that doesn't happen again. When the Nightly News producers suspect that a broadcast will have low ratings, they submit it to Nielsen as "Nitely News" so it won't be counted as part of the week's Nightly News ratings. Maybe the "Meet The Press" producers should start submitting their show to Nielsen as "Meat The Press" or "Mete The Press" or maybe as "Meet The Presss". That way, "This Week" couldn't possibly earn higher ratings than "Meet The Press".

Here are some other suggestions on how the MTP producers can keep their show at #1:

>Sponsor a health care debate between Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston
>New moderator: Jay Leno
>Each week, Tina Fey dresses up as Sarah Palin and questions guests
>More stories about puppies and kitties. Everyone loves puppies and kitties!
>Each show ends with Susan Boyle singing "I Dreamed A Dream"
>Instead of "If It's Sunday, It's Meet The Press", new catch phrase becomes "Holy Cannoli!"
>Each week, one guest gets voted off the panel
>New glass studio windows allow fans to appear in the background holding signs reading "We love you, David!"
>Each guest gets an on-camera swine flu vaccine from Dr. Nancy Snyderman
>Bob Uecker moderates debate on "tastes great" vs. "less filling"
>In new lightning round, cash values are doubled
>Five minute sports update each week with Len Berman
>Cute animated characters help David Gregory interrogate guests
>Six month ban for any guest testing positive for steroids